First
by just like our last
Summary: "Well, as Queen Perf, I don't have to be second best anymore. Now I get to have things first." "Like the necklace." "Yeah. Like the necklace."


**TITLE:** First  
**FANDOM:** How to Rock  
**CHARACTERS/PAIRING:** Molly/Kacey, side Grace/Nelson, Zander/Stevie, Molly/Dean, and Molly/OC**  
RATING:** M  
**WORD COUNT:** 4,921  
**NOTES: **So I have this problem where I think about the fact that Kacey gave Molly the necklace at the end of How to Rock Christmas and start grinning like an idiot. Being the cruel person that I am, I decided to take that happy problem and turn it into what might possibly be the most painful fanfic ever. I'm too lazy to post this on so if you guys really want it to be able to favorite it on , let me know and I'll post it there later. I gotta go pick up my brother now so I don't have time to write a long summary. But let me just say that this is probably the longest thing with a definite plot I've ever written, so I'm really really proud of it. And wow, I'm such a nerd that I read this piece of Dante's _Inferno_ today in English and decided it fit with the fic enough to use as an epigraph. So, disclaimer, the characters belong to David Israel and the epigraph belongs to Dante Alighieri. Also, if there are any typos I apologize because normally I edit fics twice but this one was so long that I only edited it once.

.

_If I thought my answer were being made to one  
who could ever return to the world,  
this flame could shake no more;_  
_but since if what I hear is true,_  
_no one ever returned alive from this depth,_  
_I answer you without fear or shame._

-from Dante Alighieri's_ Inferno_

.

"Well, as Queen Perf, I don't have to be second best anymore. Now I get to have things first."

"Like the necklace."

"Yeah. Like the necklace."

.

Molly walks over to Kacey, a swing in her step as she unlatches the Elise Bronner necklace and offers it to Kacey. "Kacey. I want you to have this. I shouldn't have bought it just because you wanted it." Shocked, Kacey takes the gift.

"Wow. Molly, that's… really nice of you. But I can't take this. You were right about how awful I was to you. Thank you, though." Reluctantly, she hands the necklace back to Molly. "It's nice having a Christmas truce."

"Yeah, it is," Molly replies, grinning.

"Merry Christmas, Molly."

Molly feels something flutter deep within her heart, something knocking at the walls that had protected her heart so sturdily until tonight. "Merry Christmas, Kacey."

She doesn't take the necklace off after that.

They spend the next two years of high school with a strange sense of friendship, one that keeps them separated by the social groups, but has them smiling at each other when no one else is looking. At the end of grade twelve, Molly goes to prom with Dean because Kacey helps set them up together, insisting that Molly deserved a nice guy to go to prom with, texting Molly a hundred times begging her to ask him out.

.

She does end up going to prom with Dean, though, and at some point during the night when Dean has slipped away to get Molly a drink, Kacey pulls her aside with an excited grin. "Oooh, I like your dress!" She declares, squeezing Molly's arms.

Molly jumps, looking around anxiously. "God, Kacey! You scared me!"

"Sorry. Sooo, how's Dean? Have you two kissed or anything?" Molly shakes her head, laughing as Kacey waggles her eyebrows.

"No, we haven't. We've barely been here half an hour, Kacey. Besides, I don't know why you set me up with Dean. You had a crush on him forever, and all the sudden you decide he's perfect for me?"

Kacey shrugs. "There are other guys out there for Kacey Simon."

Molly just smiles. "Well, thank you, really. I do like Dean. I think… I think we'll be really happy together." And she's not just saying that; Dean is a nice guy and she does genuinely like his personality, and he seems like the kind of guy she kind of sees herself settling down with and getting married to.

Not that she's ever thought that far into the future before. The future scares her.

So when Kacey darts away to "talk Stevie into dancing with Zander", Molly finds herself reaching for the necklace that's tucked under her dress, smiling softly at it and whispering "Thank you," her lips lingering near the delicate display of red gems as she realizes that this is what it feels like to be put first.

But she breaks it off with Dean just before she leaves for college; she doesn't want to try to maintain a long distance relationship.

.

It's a couple months later after all the stress of graduation and final exams are out of the way and they're having an all-girls graduation sleepover the night after the last day of school, and Stevie and Grace are sound asleep on the floor beside them, when Molly presses a tube of lipgloss into Kacey's hand. Kacey blinks, a confused expression on her face. "What's this for?" she asks.

Molly shrugs. "It's a thank you. Or, like, a token to remember me by." She looks away, and then glances back in Kacey's direction to mumble, "I'll miss you."

Kacey wraps her arm around Molly's shoulder, her lips lingering near her cheek. Her hair, Molly realizes, smells like lollipops. "I'll miss you, too."

"What shampoo do you use?" Molly asks, giggling.

Molly never finds out.

.

These hugs are a million times more tearful than they should be. Why is Grace leaning on her shoulder? Why is Stevie crying? And_ where_ is Kacey? Molly keeps standing on her tiptoes and looking over Nelson's head, mentally begging Kacey to _hurry up_, because her train leaves in five minutes and if she doesn't board it now, she won't be getting to university.

But it's the last possible second, and the train calls in a computerized voice, "Last call for boarding," and Kacey is still nowhere to be seen. So she finally pulls Grace off her shoulder and gives her one last hug, tugging her suitcase behind her and quickly finding a window seat, looking out at her friends and waving dutifully, a tear running down her cheek as the train pulls out of the station.

Molly settles down after the train leaves the station and leans against the window, brown hair tossed delicately around her neck as she falls into a troubled sleep.

An hour later she is awakened to the sound her phone beeping, announcing the arrival of a text message. She looks down at her phone, clicking the screen on. It's from Kacey.

Kacey Simon: _Sorry I couldn't make it! I got super busy and my mom needed my help and I tried to convince her to let me go say goodbye but she wouldn't let me._

Molly just turns off her phone, her thumb running slowly over the screen, her face void of emotion. This is when she remembers what it feels like to be second best. This is when she unlatches the necklace around her neck, closing the latch again and slipping the necklace into the zipper pocket on the inside of her purse. She feels a piece of her heart being closed off at the same time that she zips the pocket closed, the piece of her heart that was so willing to trust that Kacey was the one person that actually cared for her enough to put her first.

.

College, to be honest, is not everything it's cut out to be. Molly doesn't remember the last time she got a good night's sleep, and here her previous social status at high school is of no meaning here; there are no cliques in college. There are just a bunch of tired, broke young adults doing their best to get by, and everybody seems to be friends with everybody. So Molly falls easily into a routine; her roommate is nice enough to befriend, and so is the girl that sits next to her in chemistry, and she can get a coffee for a dollar fifty every morning at the campus café. The months run by quickly and she doesn't have a lot of time to think about Kacey or her friends back home, but she still has this epic poke war going on with Nelson on Facebook, and she still video chats with Grace once a month and she still emails Kevin and Zander and IMs Stevie occasionally, but there is never any online contact from Kacey. Molly's mouse wavers near the comment button every time she sees Kacey post a status update on Facebook, but she never gets so far as to _actually _type a comment. She convinces herself that Kacey doesn't care about her anymore, and that if she wanted to talk to Molly, she would make the initiative to do so. She starts to close up the hole in her heart left by that day when she first took off her necklace.

In her third year of university, a man stumbles into her life. His name is Darren and he's in her French class. They meet through French conversation, a casual partner activity assigned by the teacher. Soon, their French conversation branches from the assignment into a conversation about Darren's family, interrupted with bits of English for words they don't know as Molly laughs and tells him in perfect French about that time when her little brother got stuck in a tree.

He takes her out to dinner at the end of the week, the first date she's been on in three years, and she has to admit, it feels good to get dressed up and spin around her dorm room as she waits for him to come pick her up, even if she is twenty-one and not seventeen.

Their date goes well, and it's about six months later that she decides she trusts him enough to give him her virginity, because she feels more comfortable around Darren than she has felt around anybody in a long time, maybe since Kacey. But she doesn't want to say that, doesn't want that thought to surface again, so she doesn't let it. Not until long after Darren has fallen asleep next to her and she is watching the chiseled features of his face as he breathes in and out, gazing at his bare chest and wondering why, after something as significant as having sex for the first time, does she feel so damn _hollow_? It's then that she catches sight of her purse on the bedside shelf, immediately thinking of the necklace still hidden inside the zipper pocket, and she outstretches her pale hand and almost reaches for it, but then feels Darren stir next to her and… doesn't.

Instead, she cries herself to sleep.

.

On a humid night partway through the summer between third and fourth year, Molly gets a text from Grace that says, quite simply, followed by about a hundred exclamation points and smiley faces and hearts, "NELSON PROPOSED!"

Molly grins harder than she has in a long time and thrusts her cellphone into Darren's face, saying, "My best friend is getting married."

On graduation day, she throws her hat up into the air and throws her arms around Darren's neck and kisses him hard, because she has never been more excited about anything. After all, it's not every day you graduate from college with a degree in cosmetology.

.

When the cab pulls up in front of Grace's apartment a few weeks later, Molly is surprised to see all her old friends standing on the step of the apartment building waiting for her, just as they were the last time she saw them four years ago, except this time, Kacey is there too. Molly gets out of the car and is pulled into an abrupt hug by Grace, grinning eagerly and bouncing up and down, thrusting her ring-adorned hand in Molly's face.

Molly laughs and congratulates her, sidestepping Grace to give a quick hug to Stevie, and then to Kevin, Nelson, and Zander. As Zander and Stevie's hands slip back into each other's, Molly makes eye contact with Kacey, and she knows she isn't ready for this. She isn't ready to face the girl that promised her everything and then left without saying goodbye. She just isn't. But she's forced to face it, her body softening into Kacey's arms as she squeezes her harder than ever before, her chin resting peacefully on Kacey's shoulder, almost as though it never left.

"I missed you," she whispers. Kacey pulls back, holding her at arm's length.

"I missed you, too. I'm so, _so_ sorry that I never made an effort to contact you, but I just thought that you were mad at me for not showing up, so I figured that…"

Molly shook her head, closing her eyes slowly, a tear escaping down her cheek, taking with it a small trail of mascara. "You said you'd put me first."

Kacey lifts her hand, her thumb gently pressing to Molly's cheek, wiping away the tear. Molly pulls her close again, and she breathes in the scent of Kacey's black hair, realizing it smells the same as it did all those years ago. "I will from now on," Kacey promises.

"Your hair still smells like lollipops." The phrase is followed by teary laughter from both girls, and Molly feels the palm of Kacey's familiar, manicured hand rubbing gently against the small of her back.

"Do you wanna go to the bar? Just the two of us?" Kacey asks as she watches Grace and the others disappear inside.

Molly shrugs. "Sure, why not? See you guys later!" She calls over her shoulder, leading Kacey down the street towards the bar she passed on the drive there. It's only a ten minute walk, after all, and soon enough Kacey's on her fifth drink and Molly's only had two. Because even if she doesn't have to drive home, she wants to be able to remember this time with Kacey, since she's not sure how long it will last, or what will happen after the wedding, or where she'll get a job as a cosmetologist, or whether or not Darren wants them to move in together, or anything else about her life or her future, but she is sure that right now, she's with Kacey, and that's all that matters.

So when Kacey, in a drunken stupor, thrusts her lips upon Molly's, Molly jumps back with surprise, her mouth tingling with the sensation of the brief kiss, laughing nervously as she looks towards the bartender. "Kacey, I think you've had one too many. Why don't we head home?"

Kacey shakes her head. "No, no, no, I'm fine. Molly, I need to tell you somethin'," Kacey insists, her arm around Molly's neck, wobbling as Molly helps her off the stool and starts for the door.

"What do you need to tell me?" Molly asks, beginning to regain her wits after the unexpected kiss.

Kacey stumbles through the door, leaning heavily into Molly. "I don't have a boyfriend. I never wanted one. Cause I like someone else."

"Really? And who's that?" Molly helps her down the street, scanning the area to make sure that there are no thugs around to take advantage of two drunken girls stumbling down the street at one in the morning.

"You," Kacey declares, burping loudly. "I LOVE YOU, MOLMOL!" she suddenly screams as loud as she can, making Molly jump.

"Do you, now? Well, tell that to my boyfriend." Molly laughs nervously, trying to hide the fact that her heart is beating rapidly in her chest, because even if this may be a drunken confession, it's a confession nonetheless. And she can't help but wonder if Kacey really means it.

"You have a _boyfriend_?!" Kacey practically yells. "And you didn't tell me! Guuurl, now I embarrassed myself for no reason! He'll get in the way of my undying love for youuuu!"

Molly shakes her head. "You don't really love me, Kacey."

"Yes, I do! I _do_!" Kacey yells, planting another kiss right on Molly's lips. This time, Molly sinks right into it, hardly giving herself time to think twice, as she reminds herself that this may be the only time Kacey is ever completely honest about her feelings, and this may be the only chance she gets. And even if Darren is waiting for her back home, well… she knows now that he was just a bandage for the wound left on her heart by Kacey long ago.

So she takes the chance. She sneaks Kacey into Grace's apartment, past the sleeping figures of Grace and the others, and pushes Kacey into the bathroom, locking the door behind her. The lights remain off, the little bathroom pitch black, and Molly slips a quick prayer of thanks to whoever's up there as she rips off Kacey's shirt, and Kacey doesn't even get Molly's jeans off all the way before her tongue is wandering Molly's lower region, and Molly is moaning and begging Kacey for more, because sex with Darren has never felt this passionate, this emotionally driven and flawed but perfect. Molly's knees buckle as she climaxes, and she falls, physically and emotionally drained, onto rug on the floor. Kacey's lips make their way up her stomach as she breathes heavily, and Kacey whispers, "Me next."

When it's all over, Molly's head is resting on Kacey's bare stomach, both of them breathing heavily and trying to decide whether or not they woke up the entire house with their sex noises. That's when Kacey hiccups, and Molly remembers that she's drunk, and that Molly still has a boyfriend back home. That's when Molly remembers that she hasn't seen Kacey for over four years until tonight, and it's also when she feels like a naïve teenage girl again, cursing her own stupidity and realizing Kacey won't remember any of this in the morning.

That's when she fumbles for her purse, opens it and unzips the pocket on the inside, finding the familiar red and black necklace that she hasn't touched since that day on the train. Molly gulps, tears threatening her vision as she gently places the necklace in Kacey's open hand, hoping that maybe it will help her remember the night they spent together. Then she gets up, gets dressed, and heads down the hallway to the little bedroom Grace made up for all the girls, her suitcase propped next to a welcoming sleeping bag. She passes Stevie's sleeping figure quietly, not bothering to change into pajamas before she sinks into the sleeping bag and falls fast asleep, ignoring a text from Darren that causes her phone to vibrate from within her purse, guilt plaguing her mind as she replays the events of the evening.

.

The wedding is probably the happiest Molly's ever been, and she's never been happier for Grace and Nelson. Of course, she's the maid of honor, and Stevie and Kacey are the other bridesmaids. She catches the necklace around Kacey's neck, and realizes, due to her attempt to make eye contact with Kacey in which Kacey made a point of looking away, that Kacey remembers what happened last night. But Molly tries to put it aside because her best friend looks absolutely gorgeous in a wedding dress, and there are Grace's parents sitting next to Nelson's parents in the front row, and everyone is grinning from ear to ear and Grace says "I do!" like a little girl about to get a pet puppy, and Molly's heart melts, melts right through to the jealousy she holds at the fact that Grace's love life is simple and perfect, while Molly's is complicated and emotional and involves drunken sex that should not have happened and unread text messages from her boyfriend.

At the after-party, Zander and Stevie are making out in the corner when Molly taps her spoon against her wine glass, getting to her feet.

"Can I have everyone's attention, please? I would like to say a few words about the bride, my best friend, Mrs. Grace Baxter!" Molly calls, the final word ringing on her tongue as she realizes that her best friend will never be Grace King again. She tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear nervously as people turn to face her. "Um, I would like to start by thanking Grace for all that she's done for me. Grace, you have always been there for me. We were friends all through elementary and high school, we kept contact with each other even after I left for university, and I know that we will be friends for years to come. You're my bestie, Grace, and you deserve a man like Nelson to make sure the sun shines in your world every day. I love you so much, and I just…" Molly can feel herself getting choked up. "I'm so proud of how much you've grown and matured. I'm so proud of you. You're like a sister to me and I don't know where I'd be without you." Remembering that this was a toast, she lifts her glass nervously and offers in a shaky voice, "To Grace and Nelson Baxter!" The crowd of proud relatives and friends echoes her call, all raising their glasses to drink.

Kevin gets up to make a Best Man speech, beginning by saying something about "the good old days of Furious Pigeons and exploding snack machines" as Molly excuses herself from the table and walks away, stepping out of the church hall into the fresh air of the summer evening.

The door opens behind her and Molly looks over her shoulder, jumping with surprise at the sight of Kacey. "Kacey! What are you doing out here?"

"What are _you_ doing out here? Not gonna stay and listen to Kevin's Best Man speech?" Kacey asks, raising an eyebrow.

"No. I just… got a little emotional, that's all. I'll go back in a second."

Kacey shakes her head. "There's something off about you, and I'm guessing it's about last night. And I _gotta_ say, waking up naked on the floor of the bathroom with some foggy memories and a necklace in my hand really had me worried."

Molly snorts, crossing her arms over her chest defensively. "You don't remember. You don't give a shit."

"I _do_ remember, Molly, just not all of it. And I'm _really_ sorry, I definitely shouldn't have had as many drinks as I did, but –"

"But _what_, Kacey? Do you know what you told me last night, when we were walking home? You told me you_ loved_ me. You told me you _didn't_ have a boyfriend because you wanted _me_. And I told you I had a boyfriend. And then we… we… oh, he's gonna _kill _me."

Kacey sighs, stepping towards Molly. "I don't remember saying any of that."

"Well, you did. So is it _true_, or not?" Molly counters, taking another step back, determined to maintain the distance between them.

The beginning of an answer lingers on Kacey's lips, but she licks them nervously, her eyes darting away. "No," she says, deadpanned. "I don't think it is."

"Great. Just _great_. So I slept with you for no reason. So I _trusted_ you, I _let you back in_ like a stupid little girl, for _no fucking reason_!" Molly is practically shouting now, tears streaming down her face that she doesn't even make an effort to stop.

"_Let me back in_? What's that supposed to mean?! I was _drunk_, Molly, you can't exactly hold me to that! You definitely shouldn't have pushed me into the bathroom – of _course_ I wasn't gonna say no to having sex with you if I was_ drunk_, I mean_look_ at you!" Kacey makes a desperate gesture to Molly's body, and in spite of herself, Molly blushes softly, shaking her head.

"You don't get it, do you? That wasn't just a hook up to me, Kacey. I thought… I mean… you said you'd always put me first. What kind of person does that to their best friend?"

"I thought _Grace_ was your best friend! What the hell am _I_?!" Kacey demands.

"You were a step above that. For a while, at least. But then you think you can just walk back into my life and pick up where you left off, when Grace has been there from the very beginning? We video chatted _every month_, Kacey! You gave up on contacting me after _one_ text message! _Please _stop acting like you actually give a shit about me!"

"You want me to stop giving a shit about you? _Fine_! Here, take your fucking necklace!" Kacey screams, angrily unlatching the necklace from around her neck, throwing it hard at Molly, who jumps out of the way and watches in a daze as the necklace comes crashing down on the hard concrete, pieces of gem flying in all directions, and the beautiful pendant lies there, smashed beyond repair. Molly begins bawling uncontrollably, because she swears it feels as though her heart shattered along with the necklace. She falls to her knees and takes the broken necklace in her hands, clutching it to her chest as Kacey turns without a word and walks back inside.

.

Molly packs her things the next day, offering a quick word of farewell to Stevie and Zander, who are making out on the couch of Grace's apartment yet again. She said goodbye to Grace last night, hiding her tears as best she could as she bid her best friend one last hug before she left with Nelson on her honeymoon. Since Kevin went home a few hours ago, there's really no one else left to say goodbye to. Except Kacey, who Molly hasn't seen since she walked inside last night. Stevie and Zander break apart reluctantly and get off the couch to give Molly hugs, wishing her all the best in life and insisting they'll email her soon. Molly nods, and leaves without another word, calling a cab and getting to the train station as quickly as she can, determined to get out of town before she has a chance to do something stupid like go back and find Kacey again.

When she gets home, she finds a note and a bouquet of flowers lying on the table of her apartment, guilt sweeping over her as she realizes they're from Darren. The note reads:

_I missed you. Dinner tonight at seven? My place.  
-Darren_

Molly realizes that she has about two and a half hours to make a life-changing decision.

.

She goes to dinner. She goes to dinner with the very bouquet of flowers Darren left on her table, thrusting them into his hands with a sad smile when he opens the door. He raises an eyebrow, and she steps inside, sits him down, and explains all the reasons they can't be together anymore, explains everything about Kacey and what happened in the three days that she was gone, explains how grateful she is that he's stuck by her for so long, but she_ can't_ keep doing this, she _can't _keep living a lie and if she can't have Kacey, she doesn't want anyone, because Kacey is the only thing in this world that has ever made any sense to her, because Darren deserves better than someone who's just using him to cover up her feelings for someone else, because Darren is genuinely a nice guy and Molly could never thank him enough for everything he's done for her…

Darren says nothing until Molly is finished, tears streaming down her face and broken necklace in her outstretched hand, breathing in and out sharply and apologizing over and over, and that's when he gets up, walks over to her, and kisses her on the forehead. "You're free to do what you want. If I can't make you happy, that's okay. But please, don't keep torturing yourself over this Kacey girl. Go find happiness. Be happy with someone else. I can't have you leave knowing you're going off to be miserable."

Molly just shakes her head. She deserves to be miserable, she knows this, but she can't say it in front of Darren, who cares so much for her, who wants so desperately for her to be happy. She gets up and hugs him, breathing in his familiar, masculine scent for the last time, and leaves.

.

It takes years of living in that little apartment all alone, years of going to work at the beauty company she is now Vice President of day after day, years of crying herself to sleep, before Molly finally starts to think that maybe she can be okay. By the time she does start to feel okay, Grace's second child is on her way, Stevie and Zander are long since married, and Stevie has just announced the fact that she's pregnant. Grace is an amazing mother, and never fails to Skype with Molly on the last Thursday of every month, just like they have since the beginning of University. Brody is almost two and likes to sit on Grace's lap and wave at the camera and make baby noises at Auntie Molly. When Molly announces that she's been promoted to Vice President of the company, Grace calls Nelson over to the computer, and he congratulates her and asks how she's doing. She says she's doing okay, because maybe she is, though she's not entirely sure, because her emotions have subsided from pain and heartache into a simple dull numbness, which is better than nothing. Because she's twenty-eight now and she's an adult and she's _supposed_ to be okay, so that's what she convinces herself she is.

On her twenty-ninth birthday, she gets a package in the mail, among bills and other things. She looks at the address, and the name clearly written on the corner of the little parcel reads _Kacey Simon_.

Not sure what to expect, she opens the package. When Molly opens the shimmering blue box underneath the thick layer of brown packing paper, she finds a small, handwritten note sitting on top of a layer of tissue paper.

_You were still first.  
-Kacey Simon_

On the corner of the note is the pale pink outline of a pair of lips; the note has obviously been kissed by someone wearing strawberry lipgloss. It takes Molly a second before she realizes that this lipgloss is from the very tube that she gave Kacey on their last sleepover together at the end of high school.

Underneath the note is a shimmering new replica of the very Elise Bronner necklace Kacey insisted Molly keep on Christmas Eve all those years ago.

Molly just smiles, holding the necklace to her lips and kissing it gently.


End file.
